FAILURE! At being a decent person, behaving like a pro, and in general not being totally lame and narcissistic.

Costume Fitting: A Short Play.
Things not in my mind in bold.

(Costume Designer presents dress)

Me: NO.

Costume Designer: Blah blah this works for the play and I’m the designer. Go put it on.

Me: (verge of fighting tears) It’s ugly.

GrownUp Me: Are you CRYING? Are you serious? Go put on the fucking dress.

Me: It’s butt. It’s ugly.

GrownUp Me: Gee. TOO BAD. Go put on the fucking dress.

FormerCostumeDesigner Me: Um. Hi. Excuse me. Hello. Do you REMEMBER designing costumes? Do you REMEMBER how mad you got at Jen Hines because she felt “frumpy” in the only thing you could find for her -which totally WAS frumpy, but it was within the budget and it worked, dammit - after panicking for weeks? Do you REMEMBER the moment when you turned off your sympathy for people's body image issues because you just had to get some freaking clothes on them? Do you REMEMBER understanding why people hate actors and promising yourself you would always, always put on whatever someone handed you and smile?

Me: (mumble)

FormerCostumeDesigner Me: DO YOU?

Me: ...maybe.

FormerCostumeDesigner Me: Then shut the fuck up, put on the fucking dress, and smile.
Designing costumes is a pain in the ass and she's working really, really hard.

Me: (putting on dress)

Fellow Cast Members: Whoa! That is BUTT! UGLY!

GrownUp Me: You guys are not helping.

Costume Designer: So what do you think?

Me: It’s butt.

Me: Appropriate for the play blah blah I swear I am trying not to be a total baby.

Costume Designer: You bitch. Why can't you cut me a break. Please Lord, let the director like this dress and make my life a thousand times easier.

Director: Ah. Let’s see the other dress.

Me: I love you, Director. Costume Designer, I am truly sorry I am so lame.

Me: I'll go change.


Ryan said...

remind me never to buy you clothing.

Lacy said...

Fair enough.
Remind me to think really carefully about posting about my play when I know that the director and production team read my blog.

Beausephus said...

I was once in a play where I had to be shirtless...wearing dance pants...me...i was going to post a hilarious photo but the sight of my gut straining to roll over the bodice-like high waisted dancepants made me want to go purge.