This Mortal: Coil

Coil is my last name. If you don't get the joke.
Pause. "Joke."
Have I mentioned, on this blog, that I have a degree in comedy? No, seriously. I do.

I can't wait for this audition to just be done with.

I did my audition pieces 20 times at home today. AGAIN. Taping myself, watching. Scrutinizing. Coming up with insightful things like:
  • I need to increase my urgency throughout.
  • use the parenthetical, but don't lose the structure of the oath
  • goshDAMMIT, my cheeks are huge. Why do I make that weird face? Do I always do that?
Connecting (TRYING to connect) with painful and sad places to make every statement as honest as I possibly can. When have I felt deserted by the person I love most? When have I been falsely accused and unable to defend myself? How much can I connect with that horrible feeling? The email from my dad when he said he didn't care if he never saw me again. Those things. How did I feel, viscerally? What was the feeling in my stomach? Did I want to vomit? Did I feel dead? Was I exhausted? Sick? Numb?

... and NEVER, never feeling like it's good enough.

Oh man.
I'll just put my rubric up here.

Success: Feeling that I have prepared as well as I possibly can for this audition. Giving it everything that I truly have to offer. Speaking the words with beauty and honesty.

Failure: Not preparing. Giving into fear and inaction. Avoiding honest emotion. The auditors looking bored 20 seconds into my first piece and shuffling through my resume. Folding their hands and sighing loudly.
... you know, like my Goodman audition last summer.


Ryan said...

your preparation blows me away. It's a little eye-opening to me.


Evan said...

Yes. I feel like I should, you know, study for my finals.