too much free time is deadly

I do not feel successful at all lately. In fact, I feel rotten, angry, and disgusted with myself. I had three big opportunities in the last three weeks. I blew all of them.

I can't argue the logic of when I feel successful or why I should. I guess that's why I started this blog.

I know that I should find a rubric for success that is entirely separate from the utterly random and whimsical process of getting cast in projects.

This is my new job. task. goal. thing.

Last night I was lying in bed, trying to sift through Things. I was so frustrated and dejected that I was not even paying attention to the cat snuggled against my neck and purring in my ear, or my boyfriend next to me, breathing peacefully and holding on to my arm as he slept.


thea said...

You are fine.
Pros and cons.

You work hard. Harder than so many folks. You have the freedom right now to go on auditions on a daily basis, you are continually employed in a field that many people never see a dime for their efforts. There's so many creatives who don't have enough of their shit together to even come close to becoming "successful" -- a word that I re-define on a day to day basis.

Scratch the cat, kiss the boyfriend. You are successful and continue to be so.

And you are hard on yourself. This blog probably makes you analyze things more than you need.

DinaBear said...


Each person has their own definition of "success." Years ago I knew mine was just to get regular work as an actor in Chicago, stage, screen, whatever. Now, my definition is radically different--in about a year and a half, I will have a masters degree; that, to me, is a success (she writes not having been awarded said degree yet), and it doesn't involve my work as an actor at all.

I also understand the anger and frustration. So, so, much. You are not alone on that one, and the very fact that you continue to trudge forward without giving up makes you incredibly successful.

Onward and Upward!

Beausephus said...

I would argue that a rubric for success is essentially a quantifier for a supposed benchmark of success - a subjective term at best.
Looking over the past few months of my life a straight forward quantifiable rubric would leave my life a flayed corpse of rotting abject disappointment... but the unquantifiable variables that make life worth living are at odds with my supposed success.
In the words of the immortal Bret Michaels, "Sometimes a Rainbow, baby, is better than a pot of gold."