About fifteen years ago, I had some real problems with depression. I was hospitalized a few different times and was on medication for several years.

A lot of health professionals will tell you that depression is a lifelong condition. Like alcoholism, you're never cured; it's just up to you to manage it effectively. Mmmeh. I ... have divided feelings on this.

It comes back. About once, maybe twice a year. It doesn't last that long, so the trick seems to be reminding myself that a) this is a thing in my brain, not an actual problem that I can fix, and that b) it'll be over soon. And most-most-most of all, c) every single day used to feel like this.

I am so grateful that that time has passed.

When it comes, though, in its mini-version, it's almost always connected to work and the choices I've made about what to do with my life. I feel lazy, I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel- a bunch of other negative things that I'm ashamed to write in this blog. They walk the line between being ridiculously hard on myself and nauseatingly self-pitying. But mostly I like to lay in bed and stare at photos of my grandfather, cry, and try to fall asleep as quickly as possible for as long as possible.

Reminder to self: every single day used to feel like this.

I was telling my friend Sarah about my epiphany of internal/external success, and how internally defined success is the only one that can be truly satisfying.

"True," she said, "but external success is usually what pays bills."

[goals for] internal success: be nice to yourself. work out.

external success: I'm "on hold" for my bikini audition. But, for a different part of the commercial where I am definitely not wearing a bikini.


Lizzy said...

Internal: Faithfully keeping a blog

External: People love it!

Lacy said...

Thanks Lizzy.
Now if I could just find a way to make this blog pay some bills...