what is this "forty-hour-week" of which you speak? This "paid vacation" and this "401(k)"?

Online Technical Writing Training

Online technical writing training courses, and online certificates in technical communication.

In the dream, I stunned friends and family alike by announcing my decision to go into the military.

My reasons were logical. Fed up with acting, I wanted stability, more money, and a retirement program. I wanted something safe and dependable. And I knew the military would take me.

No one believed I would do it, even as I had my grandparents drive me to the recruitment center to sign up then get immediately shipped out to boot camp. I promised them: I was absolutely serious. Acting wasn't worth it. I was ready for something easier.

Then, as the first person handed me the first clipboard to fill out the first form, I realized what utter morons were running the office, how much I would hate taking stupid orders from them, and realized what a horrible, stupid idea the whole thing was.

...Then I woke up and started thinking again about what job I could possibly find that will be give me stability, more money, and a retirement program.

oops. Hi. I am still here.

I had the best Christmas I can remember.
Wii, snow, homemade sushi, calm, nice, warm, good.

Apparently all it takes is avoiding your family!


it's a new day

I woke up for the first time in weeks without something huge hanging over my head.

  • The benefit I produced is over.  We made a night of honest-to-goodness good theater and raised a very decent chunk of money. 
  • My Monday night show is over.  It was a great run and we went out on a fantastic show. 
  • My Cirque audition is over, for better or for worse. It was a struggle and yesterday was tough and involved some ... personal growth, but overall these things will only teach you patience and humility.

Today: a quick voice-over audition, then Christmas shopping and soothing housecleaning. Ahh.
I'll just make some coffee and check my email.

Oh, you with the timing, universe/groupon/hotmail.


Number 94 fell swiftly, friends.

from my cousin Genevra's blog:
One of my favorite quotes, which found me a few months ago, is based on a Japanese Proverb:

Fall seven times. Stand up eight.

Earlier today I was not so much ready to stand up again as I was ready to spend the rest of my life face-down on the fucking ground so I would never have to deal with the falling again.


oh, by the way.

I'm producing a benefit.  You can see Beowulf vs. Grendel at it.
Here it is.
Please come.
It will be very good theater.  It's the kind of theater that makes me want to do theater. And I am DAMN picky about theater. Why do you think I never write about anything I go see on this blog? Because I usually have little that is nice to say, that's why.
Look, I even made the poster all by myself with a 1976 version of Photoshop. Click on it to make it big enough to be readable.

quelle nuit.
It's okay. I know I spelled that wrong. My French is awful, functional and entirely self-taught, so .. you know.
tal cosa.
Brandon's grandfather died tonight.
My friends, my cousins who have already suffered so deeply, suffered another loss.

I guess I'll pray that I can be of comfort.



It's for reals:
I have an audition for Cirque du Soleil.


The way I understand it, they start off with a lot of people in the morning, then cut them down as the day goes on. I figure I'll probably be home by lunch, if not a late-morning nap.  Nonetheless, I gotta swing for the fences (wherein "fences" = "6:00, when the day-long audition officially ends").

I have to prepare a 2-minute piece to sell myself to them.

Dread. Paralyzing. Dread.

My Argentinian pen pal, Gabriela, is teaching me lunfardo, which is Argentinian slang.  She wrote:
Aquí llamamos "cagazo" al miedo y "cagón" a quien tiene miedo.
I'm going to very loosely translate this as:
Here we call being scared a "shit attack" and "massive shitter" is the person who is scared.
This 2 minute piece is a serious shit attack, guys.
Oh man, how I love language.
Oh man, how the F do I come up with 2 minutes where I am strongly discouraged from using any of it?

Why People Hate Actors

From an interview with Alec Baldwin, in which he states that he'll quit acting for television and film after he finishes 30 Rock:
“The goal of movie-making is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.”
Maybe you never had that because that goal is some unbelievably egotistical sheeeeit.


appropriate and ready

I'm considering the Winter Holiday Banquet basket for my aunt and grandmother, who don't enjoy much, are allergic to most, disapprove of the rest, and already own all else. 

Even before I was old enough to give presents I knew that they were the worst kind of people to try to buy presents for.

"Overview: Scrumptious, appropriate and ready to give."

... appropriate and ready to give.

Amazingly poorly done, but nonetheless SOLD, Terrible Copywriter.


two shows

Shows I do with my company, Barrel of Monkeys, are created VERY quickly.  School shows adapted, staged, learned, prepared in 6 rehearsals.  For the public performances we have even less time: 3 hours on Sunday morning, then boom, the next night it's on its feet in front of an audience.

This is liberating and terrifying. 
The only way to succeed is just to succumb to the panic and live in it. 

I did two of those shows today.

Today was a pretty souped up day.  
Today had a lot of adrenaline. 
Today had some complete failures in front of audiences - props fell apart, lines got lost, cues didn't come so they had to be guessed and timing was funky.  Laugh lines got no laughs.

Today also had some complete awesome moments of joy and an extended bit about toe jam to an immensely receptive audience of kids who were so repulsed that they squealed with delight.
Toe jam. Gross.  I yelled at them, "oh, you think it's gross now, but just wait till you get older, you're gonna love it."
Today was big. Tomorrow will be good.

I blogged about the show on the Barrel of MOnkeys site: you can read my posts here and here, if you wanna.


sequel: success...y?

Someone else has to determine where this falls on the success-fail spectrum.

Well, you're shapely to be sure, but not necessarily voluptuos. Closer to svelte, I'd say. However, you are attractive in a way that might work for the the Movie Star. And I like you resume and so on.
I'll be back in touch soon.


well, this is ... success...y?

I got an email from Cirque du Soleil today asking me, yes me, specifically me, if I would be interested in auditioning.  Because then they would decide if THEY would be interested in my auditioning.  Currently they're only interested in whether or not I'm interested.
I tried this tactic with dating very early on; it never went well.

So I said oh sure, and sent the requested headshot and resume.

Hi and thanks for the pic and resume. Both are nice. Given the profiles we're seeking, culd also please send me a pic or two which is full body> DFoesn't have to be a good picture, just one that gives a better sense of your full body shape...
Things learned today:
1. I will forgive Cirque casting people any and all typos.
2. Cirque du Soleil wants to see my body. 

let me restate that.

to see

Things assumed today:
1. A photo is probably all that Cirque du Soleil will want to see of my body. 


happy is always successful

from my very beloved Hilary, who sends me poems in the mail:



In case you have failed to notice, I straight-up broke my blog when I got all cheeky about html, tried to upload a new template, and now have zeheeero interest in fixing it.

Boo, Lacy.

On the upside, I found a VERY exciting recipe to make when friends come over to play games tonight!
yield: Serves 8
This Franco-American combination of bourbon and bubbles gives you another reason to be thankful. It doubles easily to accommodate the number of guests around your holiday table.
Wh...  "bourbon and bubbles"?  
My apprehension is trumped by my eagerness to combine two favorite drinkable things!

Internet friend invited to my party: Epicurious
Internet loser who has to stay in the office: Blogger! 


success quandary

Some NFL teams have terrible quarterbacks.

But they're quarterbacks. In the NFL.

But they're terrible.


I even finally figured out how to trick Blogger and make my comments field a Biggie reference!
I win.
I quit.


I did something I have never done before.
Something I wanted to do my whole life.

I made good theater.

Both my grandmothers, independently of each other, told me it was about time I wrote something. 

I am full of love and gratitude for and to Laura for directing, Alex for getting caught in the middle and making all the music, Heather for getting shit on and puppeting, and Brandon for making Grendel.

Seriously. Check out Grendel.

I know I won't always feel this way,
so I just want to feel it as much as I can right now.

I feel successful.





Setting: Rogers Park

Time: 9:45am.

Middle aged man (with heavy Eastern European accent)

(characters enter, cross paths, then exit opposite.)

Middle aged man:  Ohhh,  BIG LADY!

Lacy: ...  wha.

Middle aged man:  You so NICE.

Lacy: oh, no.

Middle aged man: YES!!!!




I had a "photography test" with a fancy photographer yesterday.  I got it by a total fluke. Everyone was surprised. Especially me. Surprised that I got it, and really surprised that I wanted it.

Photography tests are so called because they are designed to test how well you do in front of a camera. Comfort, poise, angles, all that stuff.

I do not do so well on these tests.

I am no model.
And to add to my non-modelness, I am PAINFULLY aware of just HOW MUCH I am not a model, so I seem to wordlessly, desperately apologize for my own face and body in every single shot.
Somehow, not so lovely to look at, that horrid self consciousness.  (for additional references, see: your middle school yearbook) (any middle school yearbook)

But sometimes they say they don't want models, they want actors, so in I go. Once in a blue moon.

And this fancy photographer (while I was waiting to go in, he checked with his assistant:  "Alfonso at 4? Who's Alfonso...??? Oh wait, yeah, that's P.Diddy's guy.") wanted actors. He wanted to do some experiments of slight facial movement.  (In apparently the harshest lighting ever.)

But all his photos look this way, and there's something about him obviously thinking my bad skin and lopsided hair and wrinkles and dried out lipstick are worth photographing that makes me love the result.


I look old, I look disheveled, I look sloppy, I look all the things that drive me crazy about how I look.

But I like it. I look like me.




Hi friends.
I have a small struggle.
It's not so big.

It's sort of private.
And it's probably pretty petty.

I did my first gig with this theater company 8 years ago.  I've stuck around and always been part of their hijinx, because I love what they do.  They're my second favorite, after my actual theater company.  They have kept me around, and had me do stuff, or not, or then, well, I don't know. We do gigs here in town, then in other places like California and Arizona and Michigan (and again, we're talking 8 years of working together) and I think they like me, but then, they went and got this gig:

_____ Theater part of White House Halloween 

and no Lacy.
and I am JEEAAALLOUS out the wazzoo.

Jealousy doesn't do you any good, okay?
I should just be happy for those who went.
I am 60% happy, 40% bitterly jealous.
I am struggling to change those percentiles. Like, to 98% happy for my friends
cousins, 2% wistfully jealous, 0% bitterly jealous.

I am really struggling not to take it personally.

dammit, dammit, dammit, this fucking job, I'll tell you.

it's the day of the first preview

My home looks like Jo-Ann Fabrics just walked in, sat down, and threw up a Blick-Art-Store-and-Salvation-Army omelet.


the booth

A lot of studios where I do voiceovers double as music studios. 

Part of me totally reverts to geeky teenaginess. 
Gawk at cute studio assistant rock boys. 
Check out the amps like I have some idea about them other than that looks sooo cool.  I bet that's an awesome amp.
(pause. look around.)

I'm totally recording this commercial about pediatric vitamins in 4/4 time with a driving beat.


thanks for all the blog fodder, Jake.

Facebook is deeply concerned about ABC's The Bachelor and my grade school friend Jake Pavelka's low friend rate.
SEVERAL times in the past few days I've received this message:

He only has 11 friends.
Although I could not find the otherwise-ubiquitous publicity shot of tanned lithe women holding champagne flutes in a please-pick-me backstabbing rayon-clad bitchfest, I get the feeling that HE'S DOING OKAY, FACEBOOK.


For when you have 20 spare minutes

Watch me and Jimmy Football in this charming romcom short.

You Shouldn't Have from Larry Ziegelman on Vimeo.

The emails I get

Subject line:

Are you an 18 year old woman who could pass for 12? Would you like to portray a 12 year-old victim of rape onstage? 

Ahh, The Industry.
Where you can get promised a job as a Cute Girl Model in Indiana, get that job taken away, then miss out on another job playing a statutory rape victim because you're too old, ALL IN ONE DAY.

come on seven days

Yes, I do have money in savings, I keep my money in savings, but still, no one likes to see this: 

Also a deep and heartfelt thank you to the 3 people who bought me beer, unsolicited, this month.

(whispered urgently)   I LOVE YOU

broke as a joke redux

oh, fuck you anyway, lottery.

I need to look at some SERIOUS nature to cheer up, especially if this keeps happening.
I'm getting sick of this Getting Rejected For a Living.  

(searches for number 1 google image hit for "peaceful nature")



WHAT THE F is peaceful about THAT?  The peace of resigning yourself to the fact that that tree is gonna yank out of the cliff in 5, 4, 3, 2....


ohh.  mm. 

women-in-laos-green-nature-farming-clm-mind-peace-pictures photos

Oh hey look, a picture of Laos came up.  I'm going there next summer.


Okay okay I couldn't help it! I had to look up Knut the German Polar Bear Cub!!!! LOOK AT HIM!


Aw, look at that!  He's so disappointed for me over getting released from the Hoosier Lottery campaign.  It's okay Knut!  It was a crappy AFTRA contract anyway and I wouldn't have gotten usage.
Knut, do you think I might have a shot at that national FedEx campaign?


Hahahaha!!!  You're so right! They can kiss it!  Thanks Knut! And THANKS NATURE!


not enough soup

A cousin had a tragedy this past week.  I would modify the word "tragedy" with words like "huge" or "devastating" or even "tragic," but no words could ever do it justice.  There aren't enough words.
Children should not die.
No parent should bury their child.
It goes against everything.
Everything, everything. 

They held an "informal shiva" so (after looking up shiva on wikipedia to make sure I knew what to do) I worked all day Thursday, bought the ingredients and made my #1 all time favorite soup late that night.

Somehow it only made this much.

Never has 32 ounces seemed so utterly pathetic.

I was so disgusted.
I wanted to bring a VAT of soup.
I wanted to bring a gigantic iron cauldron.
I wanted to pull up in one of these
and stick a hose through the kitchen window, flip on the pump, and flood the house with love-in-soup-form till it filled the entire place and they couldn't feel the awful absence of their little girl.

Even if I could, it wouldn't be enough.
Nothing is enough.
I pray that the gesture itself is enough - to convey my condolence, which is a word we have that only seems right in times like this, but still is not ever, ever, no, it is not anywhere close to enough.

oh yeah, I guess I gotta buy it!

ABC's "The Bachelor," my classmate from 2nd grade on, Jake Pavelka's facebook page.

Facebook suggested I "reconnect" with him this morning. 

Apparently I am one of his 11 friends.
I had forgotten I WAS friends with him as I wrote status updates like this when the news broke:

Lacy         JAKE PAVELKA? I went to freaking GRADE SCHOOL with Jake. EVERY GRADE or something. damn. he got hot.

which led to comment threads like this with other former classmates

No effing way. THAT Jacob Pavelka? His dad worked on my teeth!
October 14 at 10:40pm ·

I guarantee you it is blowing my mind as well. But it's kind of funny that the entertainment press is blasting him for being so boring ... it's awful but I remember him BEING really boring! Even as a little kid!
October 14 at 10:43pm ·

I know. That was my first thought as well. Still don't think I'll be watching the bachelor, but it's still funny...
October 15 at 6:58am ·

However, as one of his ELEVEN friends, I guess I really should stand by the guy a little more.

I'm sorry Jake.  You were always a genuinely nice kid and I remember drawing that mural of Texan Independence with you in Mrs. Smith's class. 
As I recall, you drew some pretty good Comanche. 

Say, what does he look like now? I don't watch The Bachelor.

Yup, still looks the same! Sweet face, pointy chin...


(spit take)



broke as a joke

Aw man.

Someone write me a song about union dues and the expenses of living in a city that would charge you for a sidewalk license if they could get away with it. 

Also the sheer stupidity of spending your precious-little expendable income on cans of spraypaint, second-hand barbies and glue sticks to make a little piece of art.

I met up with my cousin Andy last night. He moved away for 4 years and is back now.  He was the one soul I knew in Chicago when I moved here 9 years ago.  We tried to sum up our respective past 4 years for each other.

I said this was [maybe] the biggest lesson I'd learned:
Never underestimate others' insecurities.

He said this was [maybe] the biggest one for him:
The distance between where you are now and where you want to be is way smaller than you imagine.

I'm glad he's back.


we don't get screwed again

Listen, lottery.


I almost booked a big fat campaign for you in one state. You put me "on hold" then you let me go.  It hurt.

Now you're back and I'm on hold again.  Lottery commercial for another state.  I know you don't pay that much, midwestern lottery commercial BUT I AM GETTING A LITTLE DESPERATE.


So DO NOT release me again, because there will not be enough nature for me to LOOK AT.


Nature pic.



What if you went out one night to hear some music and this happened?

Things like this make me think I should never stay in again. 
Life isn't long enough.  It never could be.



What does it say about your ego if you think  __________?
  • that you have some decent perspectives on life and even some good advice
  • that the bullet point above is pretty moot because no one really would listen to you 
  • that if you know something, everyone else has probably known it for a while now so you're probably just stating the obvious

(pause for thought. Also pause to wonder if this is particularly incriminating.)

I guess that says you have the kind of ego that is well-suited to starting a blog.

A girl in my class mentioned that, on a recent trip back to her hometown, she passed her estranged father's house and saw him, through the window, for the first time in 7 years or so.  He didn't see her. 
She talked about how life was too short, and although it was kind of his place to make the first move, she was thinking of contacting him.

She didn't seem like she wanted to.  She seemed to feel like she was supposed to. 

We didn't have a lot of time, but I sort of whispered to her that I hadn't seen my dad in 16 years, just to tell her if she ever wanted to talk ...  it's nice to know you aren't the only one.  Her face really lit up. Then someone started acting and we all had to shut up.

So this is what I emailed her. It's unsolicited advice. I wish someone had solicited it to me, though.

Yes, life is too short to bear grudges, harbor resentments, all that. Everyone says that and it's true. 
But this is also true: life is also too short to chase after someone who isn't able to (for whatever reason) share themselves with you.  Sometimes, life is too short not to move on and focus on the blessings and love and beautiful people who are in your life now, and nurture those relationships that give you love and acceptance in return - not the ones that break your heart again and again. It's okay to leave those behind and move on.

That's it.
Maybe some successful advice on a shitty situation.
Maybe some shitty advice on an eventually successful situation.


my problem is myself and sausage

After extensive polling, I'm deeply humbled that we all seem to share 2 similar chief complaints.
Me, and too many sausages.

I've been taking a lot of shakespeare lately.
now the geekiness:
I cannot chuse but share Tutaj's video contribution on how to get to sleep:

4 plays in 4 days

In no particular order:

stunning and overwhelming
inscrutable but intriguing
delightful and inspirational
immensely frustrating but lovable

Not bad for $25.

(Although sometimes I wish I could just have an evening at home.)
(Evenings free in October 2009: 1, 4, 25, 26)



I'm having a hell of a time editing my "X person actually read this" comment bar  to say "X of you love it when I call you Big Poppa" instead.

Saturday night BUST.

Oh, also I saw a mime show that blew my mind and reaffirmed my belief that it's not a bad thing to be an artist's artist; an audience full of other performers is no less of an audience than an audience full of complete strangers.

BUT SERIOUSLY, the Big Poppa thing.  C'mon.


Poll Findings

The poll to the right is still active, but I just want to point out that a great many of us have a problem with Too Many Sausages.

Is this a problem we are somewhat delighted to have?

(mmmmmmaybe the next poll will tell us?)

how you know things

How you know you are hip to the arts scene:

You go see modern dance shows in park buildings with drag queens wearing Saran Wrap and Ronald Reagan masks.
And it's serious.  

How you know you are kind of a rube:

You actually don't really...  get it.

(Everyone else does. Some are moved to tears)


this makes me feel like pacman and a hamster.

Is it me, or do you *also* look at this and feel that it fire struck The Golden Nugget, that you may as well just lay down and wait to get trampled?

thanks nature.

I like this article.

Looking at Nature Makes You Nicer

I can kind of see it.  Maybe I need some new spiritual advisers.

I almost booked a huge commercial campaign, then it fell apart at the last minute.

Cherry blossom sunset by afagen.
What a peaceful place ... TO THROW MYSELF IN THE RIVER.
WHY didn't you want me, Ohio Lottery? WHY?  I WANTED THAT $2,000 - 3,000 to justify and finance my irresponsible lifestyle for another several months!
I had a $125 dress picked out to buy in celebration! Look! It's washable merino wool and wicks moisture while you bike!
Indie Dress, Ebony
IT HAS A HOOD, Ohio Lottery!  An A-Line Skirt AND A HOOD!

White Tigers, Singapore Zoo by Eustaquio Santimano.
Great. I'm just going to smear my body with a package of Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage and wait for these rare exotic tigers to finish me off. 

Smell that, tigers? Smell that distinctive aroma of spicy pork?  ...AND DEFEAT?????

White tiger's feet by Tambako the Jaguar.

Aww.  Look at your feets.  Who has the adorable white tiger feets?


Playing white tiger cub by Tambako the Jaguar.


Lazy white tiger by Tambako the Jaguar.

stop that. 

Chimp with Tiger Cub by jeffmcneill.


Damn your adorable fuzzy cuddles.

oh hey.

Look at that.



I remember that.  I still like those stories.  And those pictures are real neato. 
Maybe I *can* write a little.

(looks at sitemeter to see how many people read the Collective Lens blog)

Oh. Well. Maybe not, then. 
I always wondered if my partner just got too busy with work, or maybe he just didn't like my stories and didn't know how to tell me.
Back to this blog.



Dear Lacy,
Please post to your blog.
Your Blog.

Dear my Blog,
I got nothing.

Dear Lacy,
You burst into tears when someone asked you how you were today.  That's not nothing.
Your blog.

Dear my Blog,
Oh.  I just don't know how to write about it really.
Being an actor is hard.  It's better when I address the little items in my blog.  But everything feels so dramatic and major now.

Dear Lacy,
Promise to write a huge ridiculously dramatic blog post tomorrow about how ridiculously dramatically failureful you feel.  It will be so silly that it will make you feel better.
etc., etc.

Okay. I will.


just start a sustainable farm already.

A friend's facebook status/comment conversation.
He pretty much maxed out here in Chicago a few years ago - essentially became enough of a big fish in a little pond - and headed to NYC, with our love and admiration following him the whole way. Off to represent on Broadway.

[Lacy's friend] thinks these next 2 weeks cannot go fast enough.

[his friend] new love on the other side?

[Lacy's friend] naw - just finally starting rehearsal. it's been a rough many months of office work & waiting tables, so it's been a red letter day for a while now :)

[his friend] love of acting. Rock on.

[Lacy's friend] gettin harder to love every year. thinking of chucking it all and starting a sustainable farm. ;-)


my new least favorite thing

Plays in which an otherwise complex and interesting female character discovers, at the end of the play, that her REAL problem is that she never had a baby.

really good news

Mayhap you recall this conversation with this lady (presented here in a much shorter and way better version) :
Dear Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business,

I turned down a job today. Was that stupid of me? They wanted me to understudy. Nobody likes to understudy. Will anyone ever hire me again?

Yours in art,

Dear Lacy, amateur hack actor,
Lose some weight and get a haircut,
Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business

ps, you owe me $10 for telling you to lose weight and get a haircut.
They asked me to do a reading for their new play.

more ways to make money as an actor

Saturday night. Another unexplainable evening spent making $100 at a fancy private party.

My cousins Sarah and Laura work these things frequently as well. I mentioned I had one coming up.
Laura: What are you doing? Wait. Are you weird, or sexy?
It's true; you're always one or the other at these things.

In this one, I ceremoniously poured cold milk from a pewter pitcher on a young African-American dancer as he sat in a galvanized metal tub while goats brayed loudly in the background.
Also I was holding a toilet brush.

Not pictured and slightly to one side, Greg simulated giving birth to basketball-sized glowing orbs while Mia assisted.
Anthony: That's good Mia. Move slower though. Like an old lady from space.



Dear Internet,

Why is the #5 most-frequently-used search term for my Etsy store "chocolate silicone whipped cream"?

As Google Analytics tells me:

"chocolate silicone whipped cream" sent 2 total visits

2 Visits

% of Site Total: 0.36%

People. Having an online store is HARRRRRD. And confuuuuuuuuusing.


sometimes you gotta give it up

Sometimes I'll walk into an audition and a total badass actress who I admire the hell out of is there, waiting to audition for the same role.
And I'm like: oh. Lookythere. That's the woman who just played Lady MacBeth at Fancy Multimilliondollar Theater Company.
How about I just go home now?

Today I yield to far more brilliant Internettery, because it's beautiful and involves science and some beats. I want nothing more.

I mean, I always show back up. It's good to keep excellence around, right?
This makes no sense. Watch the video again. I'm going to.


heads up on THIS.

My cousin Marika is going to Antarctica for several months. To drive trucks full of scientists. I'm so jealous I can hardly give you the link to her blog.

Luckily, I'm not entirely THAT jealous.


I'm excited about this blog like it's a baby! What will it grow to become? The sky is the limit! No pressure, Marika!


time really well spent, Lacy

Many of my friends are in a show together. In this show they started making some backstage jokes about balls. Okay, a LOT of jokes about balls. And like any inside joke, the more COMPLETELY STUPID it got, the more hilarious it became.

They even started a blog about visual balls gags. I swear Laura TOLD me the address this morning, but I'll be damned if I can find it, but I'm GOING to find it. In the meantime, I get these error messages on my screen from blogger.
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name ballscheck is available to register!
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name checkcheckballscheck is available to register!
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name checkballscheck is available to register!


Oh HERE it is!!!
This is gonna be GREAT. This is gonna be ...
Seriously. [ballsrubens.jpg]



career advice

Dear Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business,
I turned down a job today. Was that stupid of me? They wanted me to understudy. Nobody likes to understudy. As an anonymous friend told me:
I've only had one understudy experience and it was like I had to watch someone have sex with my wife and do it all wrong.
As delicious as that sounds, I said no. Just thinking about doing it made me feel sad.
Will anyone ever hire me again?
Yours in art,

Dear Lacy, amateur hack actor,
No. Don't you remember what your doctor said last spring? YOU'RE LUCKY TO GET ANY WORK. Even your French doctor knew it.
Lose some weight and get a haircut,
Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business

ps, you owe me $10 for telling you to lose weight and get a haircut.

what your body craves

I tried lots of water, vitamins, fresh air, exercise, a cold pack and even a triple dose of ibuprofen, but what finally cured my headache was a can of beer.

my blog has found its internet opposite

I'm fairly sure this is some form of scientology, but nevertheless, curiosity MADE ME click on the ad.

Acting Success Is Closer Than You Think

Welcome to the Thriving Artist Circle, the cutting edge program created to propel your acting career to a whole new level.

I’m Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach & award winning author of The Tao of Show Business. There is a way to obtain acting success. It’s actually quite simple. All you need is a plan.

Does your plan involve... testimonials on your site from actors no one has ever heard of before? Who are now each ostensibly about $600 poorer? Believe me, some of them could have used that scratch for some new headshots.



Village Discount Outlet
Photo of the manager not for sale.

WHAT!?! Well. Good morning.

Thanks a lot, Huffington Post.

A full 29 pages of deeply passionate and mostly nutball comments follow the article. Shocking.


either way, you lost, sucker.

Football season began last night. Look out. Sports analogies are gonna start popping up.
“The Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t beat the Tennessee Titans, the Tennessee Titans beat the Tennessee Titans,” said wide receiver Nate Washington, the former Steelers player.
At first I liked this.
Then I was like ... well, but, really. Then ...who won the game, Nate Washington?

Nate Washington: ...the Tennessee Titans?

Me: no.

Nate Washington: the.... pbirrstllrs.

Me: what was that?

Nate: I said, the pbrrrsteelrs.

Me: Mhm. So, really, the Pittsburgh Steelers DID beat the Tennessee Titans.
Also, I can't decide if your shirt makes me like you more or less.


oh dear.

Well, I went to ballet class and despite 3 episodes of welling up dangerously, I managed to only burst into tears AFTER the class. Hopefully the teacher just thought I had a strong allergy attack when she announced that we would go in pairs to show the pas te bon de tande fleur de passe lis to the rest of the class.

That class was too advanced for me, friends. That was 90 solid minutes of not knowing what the fuck I was doing, along with 12 other people who did. And who had fancy outfits for it, too.

I did not like that one little bit.

But lately I'm really focused on perseverance.
And my Spanish-speaking pen pals are pretty exciting. My favorite is Gabriela from Argentina. She sent me the link to her Alanis Morissette tribute band.

Do you want to see the Argentinian Alanis tribute band? Do you? WHY AM I EVEN ASKING. Of course you fucking do. Check it. (but watch out, sound is embedded) www.anissette.com.


i am so awesome

GUESS who just emailed me.

MAYBE... the Secretary-General of the United Nations? Mmmmmaybe??

From: MR BAN KI MOON (popmon34@yahoo.com)
Sent: Tue 9/08/09 9:50 PM

How are you today?I write to inform you that we are going to send to you today $5000.00 usd dollars through our department Western union payment office Contact Person MR MARK JOHNContact Email ( westernunideparm@sify.com )You are hereby required to provide the following details so that we can be able to prepare the mtcn and the needed information on your behalf so that you can be able to pick up your funds fill the below form so that there will be no mistake in the transfer.

I always knew it would happen, but never like this.
It's been nice blogging, you guys, but finally the call for international money-laundering and sullying the United Nations has come.
Adios and come visit me in Tahiti!
love forever,

let's revisit the bright side of size 12

So I kept going to my dance classes.
And I had Super Gay Latino Teacher again, who loves my hips.
Except in this class I could not do anything right. It was the Frustration Bachata, danced by Awkward Overgrown White Girl #4. And I begin to realize that I'm actually not. so great.

I talked to my teacher after class.
Mind you. This was his opportunity for him to tell me that I'm JUST WAY AHEAD of the rest of the class, and he was only correcting me because I'm on the THRESHOLD of dance perfection.
But instead, much to my horror, he suggested I take ballet.

Ballet. Ballet that makes you stiff, that discourages natural movement, that makes me think of a screaming petite Russian cougars who hiss at you. That makes me think of the line of girls in the mirror, queued up so you can clearly pick out the chunky graceless one. Ballet.

Ballet. That teaches grace, control, and beautiful lengthening posture. In short, all the things I want.
Me: I'm going to a ballet class in the morning.
Brandon: Good job, honey.
Me: Are they going to yell at me in Russian and tell me I'm fat?
Brandon: Probably not.
Me: But can you be sure?
I'm going with my cousin Sarah, who has been going for years and loves it. She told me what to wear.
I tried on my ballet class getup and I already hate ballet even more.

oh, who the hell am I kidding.

Occasionally, I like to tell myself that if I REALLY wanted to,

...I could quit acting, suck it up and go back to school, get a real job, and make a decent load of money. IF I WANTED TO. Because I'm smart, and I COULD.

Just study whatever is going to get me an instant job offer of 60k a year. I could totally do it.

Annual pay for Bachelors graduates without higher degrees. Typical starting graduates have 2 years of experience; mid-career have 15 years. See full methodology for more.






the real issue seem to be the repeated use of the word "engineering."


My personal renaissance is losing steam. I knew it would. The trick now is to keep going anyway.

In what may have been a colossal waste of money, I signed up on a Language Exchange Site for $6 to buy myself a month's worth of access to all the Spanish-speaking, English-learning pen pals I want. The way the site is set up, you can *list* yourself as a potential language partner for free, but you have to pay the $6 to actually initiate contact with anyone and get a conversation going.

So us high rolling $6-payers (gold members) are in high demand.
I'm willing to help learning Spanish and English.. if I'm taught some Finnish
Contact me soon

so if anyone speak in english and also interested in chinese. we could be a partner. and if u want contact me, pls leave ur message here, since i am not the gold member. thx
I imagine and hope this is the closest I'll ever get to online dating.
Hola, aquí Lis me gustaría practicar el Ingles Y más adelante aprender Japones...Un gusto!!
Let's see what you got.

I sort of played it safe by only choosing female pen pals, because sometimes you just can't be clear enough that you actually want a language partner and not an international boyfriend.
So I have a few emails out to young women in Ecuador and Argentina.

Soooooooort of like an intercontinental madam. Right? Right?


what we have here is a failure to communicate

Dear My Ass,
Please stop getting bigger.

Dear Lacy,
Stop drinking hefeweizens and other generally delicious fall beers.
Your Ass

Dear My Ass,

Dear Lacy,
Your Ass


Dear My Ass,

I hope you are happy now. And smaller.
ps, delicious fall squashes and root vegetables are coming. You best up your metabolism, bitch.


Let's look on the bright side of size 12

I don't believe this for a minute, but I still adore it.
Skinny Thighs Could Spell Your Doom
Posted on Thursday, September 03, 2009 7:05 PM PT

By JoNel Aleccia

At last, good news for anyone who ever despaired of fitting into skinny jeans: Thin thighs might actually kill you. Or at least put a strain on your heart.

That’s the word from Danish researchers who studied more than 2,800 middle-aged people for up to a dozen years, only to find that those with the slimmest thighs had the highest chance of heart disease and premature death.

“There was up to a double risk for the people with the smallest thighs,” said Dr. Berit L. Heitmann, a director of research at Copenhagen University Hospital in Denmark. “It’s quite substantial.”
Here's the real article.

I have an audition coming up for a musical - a musical I'd actually LIKE to do. Of which there are... maybe 2 in the world. And I'm rounding up.

So I took a voice lesson and learned that I breathe wrong, which
  • I knew they would tell me, and
  • drives me nuts because I do REMARKABLY WELL for BREATHING WRONG, bitches.

Aaaand, I am taking every dance class I can get to at my gym. Trying to get used to learning moves and feeling confident. Trying to embrace my [precious few] dancing strengths, which are:
  • I do a mean chest pop, and
  • really flexible hips. Nope, seriously. Suspend the eyebrow-waggling a moment. Very flexible. This is sort of awesome, and sort of ... not something you really DO? Often? In public?
Last week at "Salsalicious" class, my super gay latino teacher singled me out during the bachata. "YES! YES HIPS YES!!!!"
We moved on to chacha. He came over and held his hand about 2 inches away from my ass. "Hit it. Hit it. IT SHOULD BRUISE ME!!!!!" I put a little more effort in to swing the shit out of my hips when I turn. "YES!!!!"

Times When It's Good To Be Singled Out As A Class Example, But Leaves You With Somewhat Mixed Feelings.


I run with an impressive crowd.

A few weeks ago when my cousin Aaron told me he'd booked a huuuuuuuuuge beer campaign, I did not anticipate that I would one day log on to facebook and see, not his status update in the ol' news feed, but instead, his smarmy mug in my Featured Facebook Ad.

Yet, I still can't bring myself to Become A Fan Of Bud Light.



Inspired by my cousin Nora and her undying love for the Indiana State Fair, I went to the North Texas State Fair over the weekend.

The mutton busting event was definitely the highlight (can you even see this? I'm experimenting with facebook video hosting)

Rodeo Announcer:
My God, I love this country, where you can't spank your kid at Wal-Mart, but you can strap 'em on top of a sheep and run 'em into a steel fence.

BUT after that, I sneaked off to eat my first funnel cake in well over a decade and watch the youth livestock judging. Lots of goats. Nerves. From the goats and the roper kids.
I have no idea how you judge a goat, but I sure know how the girl in the middle feels.

weapon control

Anything seem out of place in this picture?

No, the lamps don't really MATCH, and the carpet definitely clashes but perhaps what you really notice is ... THE FUCKING RIFLE.

Pictured: one rifle that stays in my mom and stepdad's bedroom.

Not pictured: the rifle on the back porch.
the revolver in the console of my stepdad's pickup.
the gun my mother owns, has a permit to carry [concealed], but doesn't know how to shoot.

Not pictured but horrifying: her confusion as to whether the safety was on or not.

Not pictured but not troubling to me: the guns my stepfather uses to hunt, which are locked up in the gun safe in the closet in the spare bedroom.

I'm not against people owning guns. Hunting is necessary and, in many cases, beneficial to species to control their population in the absence of natural predators, blah blah blah soapbox blah. Like any activity, there are responsible and respectful ways to do it, and then there are idiotic ones. The idiotic ones make the splashier headlines and give the other ones a bad name. So it goes.

But I don't get why the guns are just lying around. This is new, this is strange, this feels dangerous and violent and uncontrolled.

So much happened over the weekend that I don't really know how to talk about it. I certainly don't know how to blog about it.