1.29.2009

you may as well enjoy it; "it" in this case being "not actually being able to go to the gym"

Dear Person Who Stole My Gym Shoes From The Gym:

I'll be watching for those silver size 81/2 adidas. Don't think I won't. I'll be watching for them. And WHEN I FIND YOU, bobbing on a Precor, powerwalking on a treadmill or HEAVEN FORBID in a private session (hold me back) with a personal trainer (hold me back), by heaven almighty, I WILL let you know.

Oh, I will bust you. Hard core BUST you.

I will SO do one of the following:
  • Give you a supportive smile and tell you I think it's great that bigger girls like you make the effort to exercise, and one day you'll get rid of all that unsightly fat
  • Give you some workout tips, like focusing on good alignment and NOT STEALING SHIT, BITCH, HAND OVER MY KICKS.
  • Compliment you on your shoes, and mention that I used to have a pair like that, but they really aggravated my acute toenail fungus. And I wore them without socks. A LOT.
  • Cry, "GYMGOERS!!!!" -at which point everyone will take off their headphones, drop their weights, and look - 'THIS WOMAN STOLE MY SHOES!!!' and an instant citizen trial will ensue with everyone on the exercise bikes listening to me go all Law & Order on you, then casting you out of the gym forevermore, hurling bosus at you as you stumble out in tears
  • Compliment you on your shoes, and mention that I used to have a pair like that, but they really aggravated my FOOT HERPES.
  • Challenge you to a pilates-abs-off for the shoes, and everyone will stop working out, gather around, and cheer for me (me and JUSTICE) as I kick your ass and reclaim my shoes and then get a free smoothie from the juice bar
  • Compliment you on your shoes, and mention that I used to have a pair like that and I liked to rub them against my butt. Like, pretty hard. When it itched. And I have a pretty itchy butt. Hey, but great shoes.
  • Look at you really mean, and ... just ... give you some REALLY MEAN LOOKS. Like, uncertain, because maybe I'm mistaken and I'd hate to give dirty looks to the wrong person, but definitely kind of MEAN.
Oh sweet revenge.
It will be mine.
Until then, bits. Until THEN.

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