Mr. Darcy's Brains Taste Foul In My Undead Mouth
New book by Seth Grahame-Smith, titled Pride And Prejudice And Zombies, hopefully reads like this: "I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine, so I ate his brains."
And I was like, WELL SONOFAGUN. Seth Grahame-Smith. I went to college with him. He was a few years older than me.
In fact, I was a freshman when he cast me as the lead in his pilot sitcom, "Hello Kaleidoscope."
I was cast, then I showed up to the first day of shooting and it was the first time I heard anyone refer to me, in standard industry speak, as "the talent." I thought they were making fun of me.
Then, as we began shooting, after about 1.3 scenes, I was so freaking nervous that I was seized with the worst kind of nervous diarrhea. I don't know if you've been nervous enough to deal with nervous diarrhea. I'm sorry to say it's part of an actor's life - though, happily, less so as I grow older and mellow out a little. But then, I was not mellow. I was not old. I was 17 and terrified and I did a terrible thing and disappeared from the set to go and poop my brains out.
And an entire studio and control room full of people knew it, and sat, and waited, while my colon bore the brunt of my insecurity and terror.
Maybe he'll send me an autographed copy if I Facebook Friend him and include "Hello Kaleidscope?" as the message accompanying my friend request.