9.30.2009

brrrr...?

Dear Internet,

Why is the #5 most-frequently-used search term for my Etsy store "chocolate silicone whipped cream"?

As Google Analytics tells me:

"chocolate silicone whipped cream" sent 2 total visits

2 Visits

% of Site Total: 0.36%

People. Having an online store is HARRRRRD. And confuuuuuuuuusing.

9.29.2009

sometimes you gotta give it up

Sometimes I'll walk into an audition and a total badass actress who I admire the hell out of is there, waiting to audition for the same role.
And I'm like: oh. Lookythere. That's the woman who just played Lady MacBeth at Fancy Multimilliondollar Theater Company.
How about I just go home now?

Today I yield to far more brilliant Internettery, because it's beautiful and involves science and some beats. I want nothing more.



I mean, I always show back up. It's good to keep excellence around, right?
This makes no sense. Watch the video again. I'm going to.

9.25.2009

heads up on THIS.

My cousin Marika is going to Antarctica for several months. To drive trucks full of scientists. I'm so jealous I can hardly give you the link to her blog.

Luckily, I'm not entirely THAT jealous.

http://ilostabetdotgov.wordpress.com/

I'm excited about this blog like it's a baby! What will it grow to become? The sky is the limit! No pressure, Marika!

9.23.2009

time really well spent, Lacy

Many of my friends are in a show together. In this show they started making some backstage jokes about balls. Okay, a LOT of jokes about balls. And like any inside joke, the more COMPLETELY STUPID it got, the more hilarious it became.

They even started a blog about visual balls gags. I swear Laura TOLD me the address this morning, but I'll be damned if I can find it, but I'm GOING to find it. In the meantime, I get these error messages on my screen from blogger.
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name ballscheck is available to register!
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name checkcheckballscheck is available to register!
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name checkballscheck is available to register!

(later)

Oh HERE it is!!!
This is gonna be GREAT. This is gonna be ...
[balls+tiger+in+water.JPG]
Guys.
Seriously. [ballsrubens.jpg]

OH COME ON

9.22.2009

career advice

Dear Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business,
I turned down a job today. Was that stupid of me? They wanted me to understudy. Nobody likes to understudy. As an anonymous friend told me:
I've only had one understudy experience and it was like I had to watch someone have sex with my wife and do it all wrong.
As delicious as that sounds, I said no. Just thinking about doing it made me feel sad.
Will anyone ever hire me again?
Yours in art,
Lacy

Dear Lacy, amateur hack actor,
No. Don't you remember what your doctor said last spring? YOU'RE LUCKY TO GET ANY WORK. Even your French doctor knew it.
Lose some weight and get a haircut,
Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach and award winning author of The Tao of Show Business

ps, you owe me $10 for telling you to lose weight and get a haircut.

what your body craves

I tried lots of water, vitamins, fresh air, exercise, a cold pack and even a triple dose of ibuprofen, but what finally cured my headache was a can of beer.

my blog has found its internet opposite

I'm fairly sure this is some form of scientology, but nevertheless, curiosity MADE ME click on the ad.

Acting Success Is Closer Than You Think

Welcome to the Thriving Artist Circle, the cutting edge program created to propel your acting career to a whole new level.

I’m Dallas Travers, Creative Career Coach & award winning author of The Tao of Show Business. There is a way to obtain acting success. It’s actually quite simple. All you need is a plan.

Does your plan involve... testimonials on your site from actors no one has ever heard of before? Who are now each ostensibly about $600 poorer? Believe me, some of them could have used that scratch for some new headshots.

9.18.2009

priceless


Village Discount Outlet
Photo of the manager not for sale.

WHAT!?! Well. Good morning.




Thanks a lot, Huffington Post.

A full 29 pages of deeply passionate and mostly nutball comments follow the article. Shocking.

9.11.2009

either way, you lost, sucker.

Football season began last night. Look out. Sports analogies are gonna start popping up.
“The Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t beat the Tennessee Titans, the Tennessee Titans beat the Tennessee Titans,” said wide receiver Nate Washington, the former Steelers player.
At first I liked this.
Then I was like ... well, but, really. Then ...who won the game, Nate Washington?



Nate Washington: ...the Tennessee Titans?

Me: no.

Nate Washington: the.... pbirrstllrs.

Me: what was that?

Nate: I said, the pbrrrsteelrs.

Me: Mhm. So, really, the Pittsburgh Steelers DID beat the Tennessee Titans.
Also, I can't decide if your shirt makes me like you more or less.

9.10.2009

oh dear.

Well, I went to ballet class and despite 3 episodes of welling up dangerously, I managed to only burst into tears AFTER the class. Hopefully the teacher just thought I had a strong allergy attack when she announced that we would go in pairs to show the pas te bon de tande fleur de passe lis to the rest of the class.

That class was too advanced for me, friends. That was 90 solid minutes of not knowing what the fuck I was doing, along with 12 other people who did. And who had fancy outfits for it, too.

I did not like that one little bit.

But lately I'm really focused on perseverance.
And my Spanish-speaking pen pals are pretty exciting. My favorite is Gabriela from Argentina. She sent me the link to her Alanis Morissette tribute band.

Do you want to see the Argentinian Alanis tribute band? Do you? WHY AM I EVEN ASKING. Of course you fucking do. Check it. (but watch out, sound is embedded) www.anissette.com.

9.08.2009

i am so awesome

guys.
guys.
GUESS who just emailed me.
Guess.

MAYBE... the Secretary-General of the United Nations? Mmmmmaybe??

VERY URGENT CALL THE WESTERN UNION +447045702629‏
From: MR BAN KI MOON (popmon34@yahoo.com)
Sent: Tue 9/08/09 9:50 PM
To:
Attention,


How are you today?I write to inform you that we are going to send to you today $5000.00 usd dollars through our department Western union payment office Contact Person MR MARK JOHNContact Email ( westernunideparm@sify.com )You are hereby required to provide the following details so that we can be able to prepare the mtcn and the needed information on your behalf so that you can be able to pick up your funds fill the below form so that there will be no mistake in the transfer.

I always knew it would happen, but never like this.
It's been nice blogging, you guys, but finally the call for international money-laundering and sullying the United Nations has come.
Adios and come visit me in Tahiti!
love forever,
Lacy

let's revisit the bright side of size 12

So I kept going to my dance classes.
And I had Super Gay Latino Teacher again, who loves my hips.
Except in this class I could not do anything right. It was the Frustration Bachata, danced by Awkward Overgrown White Girl #4. And I begin to realize that I'm actually not. so great.

I talked to my teacher after class.
Mind you. This was his opportunity for him to tell me that I'm JUST WAY AHEAD of the rest of the class, and he was only correcting me because I'm on the THRESHOLD of dance perfection.
But instead, much to my horror, he suggested I take ballet.

Ballet. Ballet that makes you stiff, that discourages natural movement, that makes me think of a screaming petite Russian cougars who hiss at you. That makes me think of the line of girls in the mirror, queued up so you can clearly pick out the chunky graceless one. Ballet.

Ballet. That teaches grace, control, and beautiful lengthening posture. In short, all the things I want.
Me: I'm going to a ballet class in the morning.
Brandon: Good job, honey.
Me: Are they going to yell at me in Russian and tell me I'm fat?
Brandon: Probably not.
Me: But can you be sure?
I'm going with my cousin Sarah, who has been going for years and loves it. She told me what to wear.
I tried on my ballet class getup and I already hate ballet even more.

oh, who the hell am I kidding.

Occasionally, I like to tell myself that if I REALLY wanted to,

...I could quit acting, suck it up and go back to school, get a real job, and make a decent load of money. IF I WANTED TO. Because I'm smart, and I COULD.

Just study whatever is going to get me an instant job offer of 60k a year. I could totally do it.

DegreesDegrees
Methodology
Annual pay for Bachelors graduates without higher degrees. Typical starting graduates have 2 years of experience; mid-career have 15 years. See full methodology for more.

OMG.

WHO

THE FUCK

AM I KIDDING.

...

the real issue seem to be the repeated use of the word "engineering."

siguiendo

My personal renaissance is losing steam. I knew it would. The trick now is to keep going anyway.

In what may have been a colossal waste of money, I signed up on a Language Exchange Site for $6 to buy myself a month's worth of access to all the Spanish-speaking, English-learning pen pals I want. The way the site is set up, you can *list* yourself as a potential language partner for free, but you have to pay the $6 to actually initiate contact with anyone and get a conversation going.

So us high rolling $6-payers (gold members) are in high demand.
I'm willing to help learning Spanish and English.. if I'm taught some Finnish
:)
Contact me soon

so if anyone speak in english and also interested in chinese. we could be a partner. and if u want contact me, pls leave ur message here, since i am not the gold member. thx
I imagine and hope this is the closest I'll ever get to online dating.
Hola, aquí Lis me gustaría practicar el Ingles Y más adelante aprender Japones...Un gusto!!
Alright, "Lis." IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
IF YOU ACTUALLY LIVE IN MEXICO CITY.
Let's see what you got.

I sort of played it safe by only choosing female pen pals, because sometimes you just can't be clear enough that you actually want a language partner and not an international boyfriend.
So I have a few emails out to young women in Ecuador and Argentina.

Soooooooort of like an intercontinental madam. Right? Right?

9.06.2009

what we have here is a failure to communicate

Dear My Ass,
Please stop getting bigger.
Love,
Lacy

Dear Lacy,
Stop drinking hefeweizens and other generally delicious fall beers.
Love,
Your Ass

Dear My Ass,
No.
Love,
Lacy

Dear Lacy,
No.
Love,
Your Ass

(pause)

Dear My Ass,

I hope you are happy now. And smaller.
Love,
Lacy
ps, delicious fall squashes and root vegetables are coming. You best up your metabolism, bitch.

9.04.2009

Let's look on the bright side of size 12

I don't believe this for a minute, but I still adore it.
Skinny Thighs Could Spell Your Doom
Posted on Thursday, September 03, 2009 7:05 PM PT

By JoNel Aleccia

At last, good news for anyone who ever despaired of fitting into skinny jeans: Thin thighs might actually kill you. Or at least put a strain on your heart.

That’s the word from Danish researchers who studied more than 2,800 middle-aged people for up to a dozen years, only to find that those with the slimmest thighs had the highest chance of heart disease and premature death.

“There was up to a double risk for the people with the smallest thighs,” said Dr. Berit L. Heitmann, a director of research at Copenhagen University Hospital in Denmark. “It’s quite substantial.”
Here's the real article.

I have an audition coming up for a musical - a musical I'd actually LIKE to do. Of which there are... maybe 2 in the world. And I'm rounding up.

So I took a voice lesson and learned that I breathe wrong, which
  • I knew they would tell me, and
  • drives me nuts because I do REMARKABLY WELL for BREATHING WRONG, bitches.

Aaaand, I am taking every dance class I can get to at my gym. Trying to get used to learning moves and feeling confident. Trying to embrace my [precious few] dancing strengths, which are:
  • I do a mean chest pop, and
  • really flexible hips. Nope, seriously. Suspend the eyebrow-waggling a moment. Very flexible. This is sort of awesome, and sort of ... not something you really DO? Often? In public?
Last week at "Salsalicious" class, my super gay latino teacher singled me out during the bachata. "YES! YES HIPS YES!!!!"
We moved on to chacha. He came over and held his hand about 2 inches away from my ass. "Hit it. Hit it. IT SHOULD BRUISE ME!!!!!" I put a little more effort in to swing the shit out of my hips when I turn. "YES!!!!"

Times When It's Good To Be Singled Out As A Class Example, But Leaves You With Somewhat Mixed Feelings.

9.03.2009

I run with an impressive crowd.

A few weeks ago when my cousin Aaron told me he'd booked a huuuuuuuuuge beer campaign, I did not anticipate that I would one day log on to facebook and see, not his status update in the ol' news feed, but instead, his smarmy mug in my Featured Facebook Ad.

I LOVE IT.
Yet, I still can't bring myself to Become A Fan Of Bud Light.

9.01.2009

auditions

Inspired by my cousin Nora and her undying love for the Indiana State Fair, I went to the North Texas State Fair over the weekend.

The mutton busting event was definitely the highlight (can you even see this? I'm experimenting with facebook video hosting)

Rodeo Announcer:
My God, I love this country, where you can't spank your kid at Wal-Mart, but you can strap 'em on top of a sheep and run 'em into a steel fence.

BUT after that, I sneaked off to eat my first funnel cake in well over a decade and watch the youth livestock judging. Lots of goats. Nerves. From the goats and the roper kids.
I have no idea how you judge a goat, but I sure know how the girl in the middle feels.

weapon control

Anything seem out of place in this picture?

No, the lamps don't really MATCH, and the carpet definitely clashes but perhaps what you really notice is ... THE FUCKING RIFLE.

Pictured: one rifle that stays in my mom and stepdad's bedroom.

Not pictured: the rifle on the back porch.
the revolver in the console of my stepdad's pickup.
the gun my mother owns, has a permit to carry [concealed], but doesn't know how to shoot.

Not pictured but horrifying: her confusion as to whether the safety was on or not.

Not pictured but not troubling to me: the guns my stepfather uses to hunt, which are locked up in the gun safe in the closet in the spare bedroom.

I'm not against people owning guns. Hunting is necessary and, in many cases, beneficial to species to control their population in the absence of natural predators, blah blah blah soapbox blah. Like any activity, there are responsible and respectful ways to do it, and then there are idiotic ones. The idiotic ones make the splashier headlines and give the other ones a bad name. So it goes.

But I don't get why the guns are just lying around. This is new, this is strange, this feels dangerous and violent and uncontrolled.

So much happened over the weekend that I don't really know how to talk about it. I certainly don't know how to blog about it.

mixed signals

The online petition to the UN, asking that they refuse to acknowledge Ahmadinejad's presidency, is somewhat undermined by the banner ad above it.
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